There are many ideas and theories about grief and how you should grieve. I would say: just notice what is helpful for you, what resonates with you.
I find it helpful to look at grief as a movement. A movement of a swing, or a pendulum. Going back and forth.
Sometimes you experience feelings as sadness, despair, anger, regret, guilt, shame, fear. You grind about how and why. You experience the deep sorrow, the missing and longing, the day-to-day struggle.
Sometimes you focus on your recovery. You find ways to adjust to your new situation. You start to experience moments of joy. You find purpose. You find moments to escape, to distract.
Those “swings” can even happen in a split second.
Being stuck in a loss or fleeing from painful emotions for too long a period, isn’t healthy. It could affect your mind and body.
To me grieving is not about forgetting. Because the bond with our loved ones continues.
To me grief work does not take away the pain and the missing. Yet grief work is powerful and heartening. An opportunity to heal and deepen the bond with our loved ones. A closure AND a beginning. It opens our way to resilience, confidence and (more) peace of mind and body.
Grief is about paying attention to your loss AND adapting to your daily life that has changed so profoundly.
Finding a balance
It’s about finding a balance. That doesn’t happen by itself, everyone does it in their own way. According to his or her own rhythm.
Some people are afraid to forget their loved one. Yet, the relationship with your loved one does not disappear. The love remains.
Some people feel guilty when they start to experience moments of joy again. That is a normal feeling. Yet, by finding new meaning, purpose or joy, you could honour your loved one too. Living your life fully doesn’t mean you forget or betray your loved one.
When you adjust to your different inner and outer world, the connection does not disappear. When you experience moments of joy, the bond with your loved is still there.
Your loved one is present in a different way, sometimes in the foreground, sometimes in the background, sometimes unnoticed. Yet always in your heart.
Anja Hilkemeijer
Association for Support with Grief and Loss –
Malaga and online
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