Steun bij Rouw – Support with Grief

When we talk about grief, we often think of sadness, loneliness and hopelessness, but who would come up with joy or happiness?

Still, sooner or later we will start to experience happiness again, even if it is just for a short moment. When that happens, many of us feel we are betraying our loved one.

We might feel uneasy or guilty. This happened to John as well.

John hadn’t been out for seven months after the sudden death of his girlfriend. He simply didn’t have the energy, even if he had wanted to. And he did not want to! They were going to marry, they had so many plans. He just couldn’t face all those happy couples out there.

But then his best friend had called “Let’s go to our favourite beach bar. At Sundays they have a delicious paella.”

“Yes, let’s do it!” The enthusiasm had even surprised John himself.

But now, now he feels awful, so he tells me. He has enjoyed it, hé lives while shé is dead.

John scrolls through the photos on his phone and shows me the picture the waiter made.

“Hey, I hardly recognise you with that big cowboy hat!” I say.

John smiles a bit sheepishly. That was exactly what he wanted. He had said he would come but at the day he started to doubt. He wasn’t in the mood. His girlfriend was dead and look at him now, going out to have a good time! What a miserable boyfriend he was! And suppose he would meet people he knew! What would they think?

Then suddenly his eye had caught that hat, on top of the cupboard in the hall. How long had it been there!? With one big swirl he had put it on. He had looked in the mirror. Yes! Today he would be James, not John. Hey man! Cheers!

But that bravura has gone now, he feels guilty.

The feeling of betray

After a loss it is often uneasy, difficult, and so different to start doing enjoyable things again. As if it is inappropriate. As if you are betraying or forgetting your loved one. As if you should show your grief by walking around with bent shoulders and head down.

Grieving is compared to a pendulum movement. One time you focus on your loss, you experience your sorrow strongly. The next time you work on your recovery. You need distraction, some air. It can even happen at the same moment, you might feel sad ánd happy, you might feel angry ánd grateful.

Just holding on to your sorrow OR mainly escaping from your pain (by drugs, sex, over activity) is not healthy in the long run. It’s about finding a balance. And that does not happen by itself, you need time for that, your time.

Looking for those moments

You can help yourself by looking for those moments that are valuable, heartening, consoling or uplifting for you. You can look for people around you who like to support you with that. More so: you are allowed to. You can give yourself permission to do so. It is part of grieving. Actually some people keep going because of their sense of humour.

You have a choice – no, it’s not an easy one – you can bury yourself with the loved one you lost. Or you can live, in honour of yourself and in honour of your loved one.

The hat John worn that Sunday became his anchor. At times he walked around with it, even at home. It gave him strength. It gave him permission to try.

Gradually John lost the fear that he would forget or betray his girlfriend. He realised that his girlfriend would always be part of him, that their bond would not go away. He allowed himself to build a different life. A life with moments of missing, longing, regrets, despair and anger. A life with happiness, beauty and joy too.

John is going out for a paella more often, sometimes without a hat. And always asks for an Alhambra beer.

* *

Anja Hilkemeijer +34 676621490

Support with Grief and Loss

http://livingafterloss.es

https://verderlevennaverlies.wordpress.com/grief-support/